She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
