Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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