i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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