nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
So many bounce houses so little time
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
