my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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