Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
