I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
