Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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