you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
