Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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