Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
