Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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