I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
