Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
