How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
