Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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