It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
