The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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