If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
