I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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