Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
