If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
