feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
