dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
