my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
