Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
