he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
