I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
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I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
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The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize