I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
