Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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