four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
