i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
