Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
