i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
