You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
