dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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