We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm bleeding and have questions
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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