I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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