I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
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Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
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I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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