And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
