I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
