Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
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