Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
