I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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