i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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