life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
