Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
