Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
