I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
