My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Your mouth is God's brothel.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
