I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
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Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
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It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!