I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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