I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
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Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
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She's not a foreskin expert like you
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.