I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.