Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize