Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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