My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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