Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
40s are totally the cure
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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